Fighting Me

I've been fighting myself a lot lately.  I've noticed this trend in myself over the last few months, but it's getting stronger and stronger.  I want so bad to be a Proverbs 31 Woman (not just a P31 wife, or mom, I want it all!  Cause that's what she was.) but I'm fighting urges from selfish "No. 1 Me".  I noticed it yesterday, a really bad feeling once I realized it, but that day was a day the kids are at school.  Normally I clean, and I was going to, but I think my mom had noticed that I've been feeling depressed lately.  So, she had me come over and do some crafts.  They were lots of fun and I could have kept doing them, but I stopped so that I'd have enough time to go home and do some cleaning before I went to pick up the kids.  I was in a good mood (I could still feel the depression in the back of my head, but I was happy).  Then I picked up the kids.  Before we even left the school I was agitated and stressed.  Erin had peed once in her clothes at naptime, so they had her in a second outfit, well right when I got there she peed in those.  So I had to run out to the car and get her a change of clothes (but I only had pants and no top).  I hate the feelings I left the school with.  My mind was telling me the kids cause me to be depressed, which is something I never wanted to hear.  As much as it's true it's not true.  It's not the kids, but what they are developmentally going thru.  I will get there, where I'm not depressed or fighting myself because it feels good to do what I want to do and not worry about anyone else.  Sometimes I know I'm not ready to have a family because I'm so selfish.  I've got to remind myself that it's not just about me.  There are five other lives under this roof that I need to care for.  This doesn't mean I shouldn't take time for myself, but there will be time enough for that later.  Right now I need to concentrate on them, and how making them happy will make me happy.  God first and the rest will follow