Self: why I left you

I was fortunate enough to marry a man that only wanted me to love him. Easy enough., right? You'd think so, but I have my battles where it seems like its the hardest thing to do. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I love my husband very much, I just don't know how to show him. I guess that's part of the reason I wanted to start this journey into proverbs 31 again. I had done it when I was a young, single, can-do, superwoman type. Now I'm a wife and mother of two (and double dog owner... there's your 2.5 kids right there) and am at a loss. When I was younger I was begging for more responsibilities, now that I have them I don't know what to do with them. It's overwhelming. But what do I do when I'm at a loss and stuck shaking in my boots? I turn to Him. I pray and I pray hard. I didn't used to. The feeling of being overwhelmed overtook me so much it was paralizing. I couldn't do anything. And as the world kept going on around me the feelings would just get worse. The laundry would pile up, dishes becoming a mountain of mold,and trash growing around me exponentially. I longed for peace. I longed for the days when, if this happened, it would only directly impact my life. I found that the only thing making me get out of this walking coma-lime state was my love for my husband and kids. The thought that I was doing this harm to them brought me to tears. And it's what keeps me from going back to that. Oh don't get me wrong, my house is still a wreck. Its just not nearly as bad as it was. And the even bigger difference is I now know that I'm doing no good for my family and am working on fixing it. I may be down but I'm not done with this fight. I know I have to perservere for it to get where its going and once it gets there I have to keep with it. I need to show my husband that I love and respect him by not destroying what he has provided. You see, its not about "serving" your husband, its about showing him you respect him and what he does to provide for you and your family. Love isn't about being selfish. Love is about selflessness. Jesus showed us that. He showed his love through giving with a happy heart through selfless sacrifice. So can we walk away from the computer for a minute and take a moment to tidy up? Ill check back with you on that one...

Feminist Proverbs 31 Woman

A feminist demands respect and equality, what makes a proverbs 31 woman so different than that? I guess it's the fact that she doesn't demand it, she just recieves it. It says so in verses 11 and 28-29. (11) The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. (28) Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her; (29) "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Who can ask for more respect that that?! You are better than any other woman. OK, so her equality might not as easily be seen as her respect, but it is there. By providing for her family (vs 15) and doing the things she does she gains equality. She is the master of the house. With the respect she has earned comes equality. But just like the army (to steel an idea from The Good Wife's Guide), not everyone can be a 4 star general, nothing would get done! Soldiers are needed to do the dirty work. Sometimes you have to self sacrifice out of love to change that dirty diaper. You might not want to do it, but you do it willingly because it must be done and you love the child. So go ahead and go against the grain, be a Christian Feminist; win the love and respect of your children and the equality of your husband through your loving sacrifice, don't demand it.

Lazyness and Selfishness

I see it now: Lazyness is Selfishness' relative. To be lazy you must be selfish, but to be selfish you don't always have to be lazy... I say this all while avoiding the phone call from my husband telling me he's on his way home because the kids are napping and it's the only time I can eat (ok, so I scarf it down due to the hurry) ice cream for lunch without getting judged... oh, and cause I want to blog my epiphanies. It must be the right time, cause everything is lining up. God knew to give me just enough leeway to be lazy (enough for an honest-to-goodness true example) without letting me get too slothful (not enough time to watch whatever reality tv Hulu stored up for me). I know I should get up and do my ten-minute clean up before Chris gets home, but by golly, I'm gonna sit here and type... and feel guilty as I look around the room. Maybe this is why God thought it was okay for me to get a lazy minute in; so I could see how rediculous it was. Anyway, back to lazyness and selfishness. They are wrong, you and I know it. Yet we indulge in it every day (or would if we could). Why not be productive and feel good about yourself for accomplishing something? Don't get me wrong, everyone should relax and be able to sleep at night and everyone deserves some R&R, it's the abuse of it that is wrong. If you come home and are exhausted, by all means, put your feet up and let the dishes sit. Because if you do something and it's not done with a happy heart it is almost as bad. So when your feet recouperate, get up and hapily do something. You are refreshed, now use that energy for good. "But I don't want to do the dishes," you might say. But what happens if you don't? Honestly, ew. I mean, if you've got to do the dishes, you might as well be happy about it. It's the same with any chore. They have to get done, why crinkle up your face with sneering and ugliness (because, believe it or not, ugliness of emotions causes you to look ugly too... and too much of that gives you the wrong wrinkles when you get older).

clash of the truths

Today my inner feminist was fighting as I tried to reason myself into why reading "The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet" and keep reading it made sense. I would read the obviously "dated" material and think "what? Am I supposed to get all dolled up for Chris and wait for him by the door with a cocktail?" Kind of. (And I cant believe I'm saying this but) what's so wrong with that? Ugh. I think a part me just puked.
When I sat and thought about it, I have to admit, I was still riding the fence. That was until I found some old notes from a sermon that were written on a banking envelope.
HIS reality (Truth) clashed with others
Will you follow Him down the rabbit hole?
Blessed = Happy
How far do we go with this?
Who created culture? Media
Be okay or aspire to live a counter-cultural life
Intellectually, I get it but...
Poor in heart and dependent on God
Silence is not your friend, Silence is uncomfortable.
Fellowship = where your soul is at
I am broken, I am restless
Do you want to make an impact?
*Different from desired reality is Jesus' truth
God meant for me to find this, because I usually throw them away a few days later, but this one was from before Passover started. I was just going to throw it away, but something caught my eye:
HIS reality (Truth) clashed with others
Then as I read more of it I remembered passages from "The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet":
Make faith and family your first prioritiesfrom a place of sacrificial love. As wives and mothers we can and should have our own interests, but when our primary concern is our "self" to the point that we become our first priority, we have given in to a selfish nature that isn't lined up with scripture.
Then, as I read the notes again, more jumped out:
God's wisdom doesn't always sit right with mankind, and it doesn't have to. Faith tells me that His wisdom exceeds mine and therefore I put my trust in His infalliable Word.
I think His Word says it best in Joshua 24:15 (KJV):
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
How can I argue with that? Yeah, my inner feminist is kicking the dirt and mumbling as she walks away. I know she'll be back to fight again, but as long as I stay strong in His reality, I can do all things.